Surviving abuse can be a powerful story instead of a sad one. My sessions with a counselor at Safe House Denver taught me how to look for red flags, set healthy boundaries, and create a future free of domestic violence. What I didn’t realize at 21 years of age is that abusers come in more forms than romantic encounters. But my intuition knew better. Learning to listen to that inner guidance has not steered me wrong. Though admittedly, I’ve ignored it many times to my own detriment. It starts like this…
Busy Mind, Little Sleep
It’s keeping me up at night. Correction. Waking me up in the night. Is it intuition? Inspiration? Some would say anxiety. Whatever it is, I follow it to the living room. This feeling in my chest, stuck in my throat, deep inside of me. Listen closely, Jackie. What do you hear? Follow that.
It’s blurry, faded, not ready to be seen. Are those red flags waving in the distance? I’ve been trying to look the other way. There they are, flying high ignited in the wind begging me to pay attention. Oh man. I don’t think I can look away any more. They’re powerful, important, and full of sadness. These red flags are taking my breath away. Not the kind of breathless from pictures of beauty. This is a despair of toxicity and abuse. I’m determined to fix things. Is that even possible? I can’t save everyone. And it’s not my job to. But here I am trying to protect others when maybe I need to save myself.
Intuition Talks
What can I handle? How much can I take? I know this is wrong and turning a blind eye interrupts my sleep. Tell me what you’re trying to say! I’m ready to listen to my intuition. I need to make a change because whatever I’m doing or not doing isn’t serving me. It’s time to weigh the options. Erika Matos of The Feel Good Shift says her intuition is grounded in it’s decision making. It’s yes or no. And “maybe” means no. That advice speaks loudly to my soul.
This crossroads leads to a burning bridge or a bumpy trail. I’m so sick of seeing relationships set aflame because conflict was scary. That’s a family legacy that I’m not willing to uphold. But how do I walk away without this fire? This is the part where I remind myself that I can’t control other people’s reactions. I can only manage my own.
Abuse Appears
“Maybe it’s me? Am I being over sensitive? I should just try some new approaches.” Oh boy. Here we go, again. This is a victim mentality. Abusers have taught us to question everything we think. Something must be wrong with us. Somehow it’s definitely our fault. But I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor.
What else does this look like? “My job is not done here. People depend on me. I can be the one to change things and fix this. I just need more time.” I’ve said this before. It’s so familiar. The emotionally abusive boyfriend that I thought I could change. The insecure boss who panicked when the team’s contributions were creative instead of obedient. The parents that disowned their daughters… I was convinced I could reunite everyone. Use my glue of sunshine and love to put my family back together. The racist employer who must not be seeing talent clearly. The friend that made me feel bad about myself and had me questioning my worth. Yep. I’ve been down this road before.
Ask Your Intuition & Listen
Sometimes my empathy gets me into trouble. The love and compassion I feel for others can blur the lines of the boundaries needed. I try to see every side, understand where each person is coming from, and what they must be going through. Have patience in a way that is not returned. How does this serve me? Christelle Chopard of The Dharmi Method introduced me to this concept. Even if the pattern or results are negative, there is a reason the habit is there. So how does it serve you? It’s important to recognize it in order to make a change. In this case, I feel better about myself when I come from a place of kindness. That’s nice. But it also prevents me from making uncomfortable decisions. Crap. There it is. I need to stretch out of this comfort zone, again.
None of this is easy. Such is life, right? It does get clearer with a mindfulness practice. As a survivor, there are certain boundaries that are non-negotiable. In reality, abused or not, it’s healthy for all of us to set boundaries. Once those are in place, remind yourself about your list of demands. Look at all aspects of your life and see if each area is meeting those needs. If not, how does it serve you?