Do you talk about race with your friends, family, or colleagues? If not, have you thought about why? Often times race is confused with politics. From simple things like using “African American” or “Black”. Which is PC now? Who qualifies as Latinx? Is Hispanic still a thing? What about Asians? Is there anyone I haven’t offended, yet? Race can feel like a conversation landmine. But simply spilling these questions shows a pattern. Have you noticed the lack of need to define someone who is white? Pretty sure they’re just called people. That fact shows that white is considered the norm.
Ethnicity Talks
Let’s start talking. “Where are you from?” Here’s a hint: don’t start with that one. Why do we care unless we have more important follow up questions? I’ve had many cat and mouse conversations around this one.
- Me: “I’m originally from New York.”
- Stranger: “Well then where are your parents from?”
- Me: “Also New York.”
- Stranger: “What about your grandparents?”
- Me: “New York.”
- Stranger: “Before that. Where are you really from?”
- Me: “I’m third generation American.”
This usually results in the other party playing a guessing game of my ancestry and eventually telling me I should learn my native language. Then disappointment is expressed because I don’t know Spanish. I’m part Italian, too, but nobody stresses me on that. My mom is Austrian, Romanian, and Polish. None of those languages are important to my identity? Mom is white. She’s not pressed to speak anything other than English. Why is this olive complexion a deciding factor in my linguistic abilities?
Did You See That Racism?
Then there’s the other side of the coin. Silence. Your black friend says, “What that guy did was racist.” You change the subject not wanting to offend or disagree. That silence is deafening. Racism is a form of abuse. If the same friend told you about being verbally abused by a parent or significant other, would you change the subject?
Imagine pulling up to a hotel valet, the bellman gives you the once over, and ignores you. Rude. Then as you patiently wait for service, you watch three other guests taken care of. They have two things in common – each arrived after you and their skin is lighter than yours. It’s possible you ponder the difference between each of the cars, clothing, size of smiles. This doesn’t make any sense, right? Welcome to being othered.
Kid Conversations
Recently, I helped one of my best friend’s initiate a conversation about race with her 12-year-old son. To do this, I brought my daughter into the loop. I gave her the questions I planned to ask ahead of time, scheduled a Zoom video chat, and interviewed both of them using the same questions for each kid. The first question was “How do you identify?” She replied that African American or Black work for her. He replied white. This was exactly what I wanted to hear. Why? Because this adorable tween is not white. His dad is Dominican and his mom is a Kiwi. But his privilege is being able to “pass” as white. That alone blew his mind. It went on from there.
To wrap up this call, we talked recommendations for education and awareness to strengthen ally skills. Our family is a big fan of Blackish and Mixed-ish. These two shows are not only funny, but speak honestly about race. You learn what it’s like to be black in America and the challenges mixed race couples and children experience. These are excellent resources for people of any age.
Adult Talks
Let’s go back to the original examples. If you want to know about someone’s ethnicity, first look within to see why that’s relevant. Are you curious about who they are as a person or is this just awkward small talk? Consider follow up questions like, “Did coming from such a diverse background affect who you are today?” Maybe even, “What is it like to have people ask you about your ethnicity so often?” Or just drop it and ask about their favorite podcast.
When someone calls out racism and it doesn’t make sense, that’s okay. It’s a great time to have a chat. Try this on for size, “I don’t fully understand what about that interaction was racist. Would you mind talking through it with me? I want to understand.” That shows care, concern, and intelligence. Or very simply, “Tell me more about that. I’m sorry that happened. Are you okay?” Then just listen. We are so keen on thinking of responses that we can miss the opportunity to be a true support. And as for the racially biased act committed by the hotel bellman, report it to the manager.
We can all learn more about each other’s experiences. That’s the beauty of building relationships. Nobody communicates perfectly all the time. The term “foot in mouth” exists for a reason. Our intent, empathy, follow up, and ability to grow are what set us apart. So let’s keep the race conversations going.