What do you think depression looks like? Because of pharmaceutical commercials, we’ve now been taught that someone walking around with a smile may actually be struggling on the inside. But do you really understand what that looks like? Feels like? And how to support someone with depression?
No, I’m not a medical expert, counselor, or mental health professional. What I am is a woman who lives with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Just when I thought depression had walked out of my life, she has come back for more dances. Because of this real life experience, we’re going to get real about depression here.
Notice I referred to my depression as “she” and have her dancing in and out of my life. I say “she” since I identify as female and depression is a part of me that doesn’t always make herself known. Esmerelda is her name and while she can be dramatic, I need to take care of her so I can shine.
What Depression Feels Like
Depression isn’t just sadness or crying. Everything feels difficult. If you’re a social butterfly who has plans to see people or Zoom on the regular, none of that will sound appealing. In fact, just one call or outing could wipe you out for the week. Maybe reading typically fills your cup. All of a sudden that book feels so heavy and impossible to understand. Emails begin to look like a scattered mess of nonsense that are taking over your life. Texting, talking, any form of communication can exhaust you.
There are days that feel sad, irritable, or just plain nothingness. Happy moments are awesome and confusing because you wonder if depression is chilling in the background. I find the nothingness to be the hardest part. Waiting for the clock to run out so you can go to bed because there’s nothing to look forward to anymore. Work, school, or family provide elements of purpose that can get you through the day. It feels good to check things off the list. But yet nothing is ever good enough. It can’t be because you’ve got a personal rain cloud following you around.
With depression, your sleep is disrupted. Maybe you can’t fall asleep, stay asleep, or wake up. And this isn’t one or two nights. It can be weeks at a time. Vivid nightmares might become part of the equation making things even less peaceful. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to get back into a routine that serves you, depression changes the music.
Anxiety & Depression Cocktail
Now imagine adding anxiety into the mix. Many of us experience anxiety regularly, but may not name it, fully understand it, or want to “label” ourselves because we’re worried about feeling judged. Honestly, anxiety exacerbates fear so I get it. For those of you unclear on what anxiety looks like, picture worry taking over your existence. Your body tenses, maybe you’re clenching your teeth, you’re overthinking every decision you make, it feels like your throat is closing and your breath becomes shallow. I give anxiety a cartoon visual. It’s a stressed out “business man” named Milton pacing back and forth in a small space expecting to reach a new destination. (If you’re a fan of the movie Office Space, this will be an easy image.)
In Reasons to Stay Alive, Matt Haig describes this daunting combination perfectly. “If you have depression on its own your mind sinks into a swamp and loses momentum, but with anxiety in the cocktail, the swamp is still a swamp but the swamp now has whirlpools in it.” This is exhaustion, worry, sadness, fear, tension, confusion, and so much more rolled into one big struggle.
I know this was a lot to take in. And it’s just dipping our toes into the experience. But it’s so important to find that sunshine. It’s just as vital for those supporting a depressed person to be hopeful as it is for the one struggling. So I’m going to give you a few tips on finding that light and being that light.
For Those in the Struggle
- Ask for help. This is my number one recommendation. We cannot do everything on our own and we don’t need to. Asking for help is a sign of strength. It comes in many forms whether therapy, support from loved ones, or investing in healing travel.
- Get acquainted with gratitude. Write down five things you’re grateful for each day. These don’t have to be big things and you can repeat them as long as they feel joyful. One day I was grateful for my fingers because they support my typing. It might seem silly, but it’s those small ones that probably make me smile the most. Read these when you need a boost.
- Set boundaries. This can be saying no to an invitation, asking to not be involved in a negative conversation, or telling someone what you need from them right now. There are many ways to do this politely, directly, and in a way that feels comfortable. When boundaries are in place, you can work within the bandwidth and environment that serves you at this moment.
- Give yourself grace. Depression is not easy. We can’t just “snap out of it”. You’ve got this! Remember that the mean things you’re saying to yourself are not true. You are wonderful. This moment will not last forever.
For Those Supporting
- Get comfortable with boundaries. They’re not about you; they are put in place to help the one you love. It’s okay to ask questions so you get a better understanding of what is needed.
- Be ready to do a little more than before. There will likely be times when your depressed loved one cannot handle the cooking, cleaning, or socializing like they usually do. This will pass. The extra help does not go unnoticed. For friends, send simple texts of care that don’t require a response. Sometimes questions are overwhelming and your depressed friend tells themselves they’re horrible for not responding.
- Keep up your self-care. You cannot help others without keeping your own cup full. Do what you need to replenish your energy.
- Listen without responding. And when you do respond, remind your loved one that this moment is temporary. Tell them who they really are because it’s much different than what the depressed mind is saying. They need to hear that they’re still wonderful and brilliant and all the things.
Mental Wellness & Healing Travel
Behind this smile, is a woman who has spent the past six months or more struggling with Esmerelda’s drama. That’s part of why #TravelCanHeal exists today. Wellness travel is waiting for all of us. Until the next trip, the tools I’ve learned and the people I love are making things easier. I hope your healing journey is fruitful and these tips give you strength. Remember that you are not alone. To hear more on healing travel and mental wellness, listen to Through Inspired Eyes.