When other Latinx people see me, there is a warm connection… from them. Sadly, I’m a confused Latina who gets uncomfortable around people who look like me. Let me explain. It’s because I was raised with the facts. Or so I thought. My sisters and I are eight nationalities (four from mom, four from dad), two religions (practicing neither), and WHITE. Huh? Okay, I’ll go with it.
Hello, I’m White?
Parenting is hard. My heart is filled with empathy for my mom and dad who had three kids by their mid-20s. Eek. Somehow, somewhere in this story it was decided that our lives would be easier if we were white. And while unintentional, denying pride for our ancestry was damaging. Latin music was played on holidays and the family cooked rice with gandules regularly – I am white. My grandparents, aunts, and uncles spoke Spanish, and I am white. Returning to first grade after the summer with my tanned olive complexion, the dumb boy at school called me “Jackie Blackie”, and I am white. In college, a guy told me I had a ghetto booty, I cried feeling less than… and I am white.
All I wanted was to fit in, be popular, and only called out for good things. Yes, that’s a fantasy world. But I could not understand why a white woman like me was getting so much noise from the world. And why don’t these jeans fit over my thighs?
White Privilege
The term “white privilege” was never spoken in my home. However, my upbringing shows that the power possessed by the color of your skin is important. I didn’t understand this until my 30’s and continue to unravel the pieces. My dad never learned Spanish, though his parents are fluent. We weren’t taught the language other than a few words here and there and whatever was taught in school. My maiden name is Arroyo yet I didn’t learn to roll my r’s until 8th grade Spanish class. Latinx people said I mispronounced my own surname. Enter shame <here>.
Maybe my dad was called prejudiced names or told to go back to his country. Perhaps he only saw financial success in white people, recognized unconscious bias, and adapted our lives to fit the majority. It’s difficult to imagine a life of abundance for yourself without seeing it in people who look like you. The roots of this systemic oppression run deep. So deep that questioning this angers my Latino dad and offends my white mom. Meanwhile my sisters, who can pass as white, have always felt Latina. They move with joy to the music of our people, use my grandmother’s recipe for coquito each holiday, and joined Spanish clubs in college and beyond. But I have my dad’s skin color so I need to be buttoned up.
From Confusion to Awareness
Education is a priority for me and it’s never ending. As I was reading the works of Reni Eddo-Lodge and Ibram X. Kendi learning about black history and how to be anti-racist, a light bulb went off. What is it like to be Latinx in America? For this woman who was raised white, I can confidently say I have no clue. Now I’m on a mission to study, research, and understand. Thanks to Next On Scene, I discovered The LaTEAna Podcast hosted by two women who never feel Latina enough. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. Through this podcast, I’ve learned about TV shows with strong Latinx storytelling. I’m currently binging One Day at a Time on Netflix. Highly recommend.
I love to read so I went looking for more Latinx representation in this space. This was a little more difficult. Though just 20 pages into A Cup of Water Under My Bed, I found a groundbreaking Latina feminist, Dolores Huerta. Why did nobody teach me about her? Where is she in the history books? Why didn’t my parents hang her picture up instead of New Kids On the Block? I’m so confused, excited, and curious to dig deeper.
In this book, Daisy Hernandez speaks to the language of silence in her family. How when she said something that her mother and aunties disagreed with, she was shamed. This mirrors my own upbringing and even my reality today. There are secrets that are kept to save face. Is this an unspoken Latinx tradition? It can be as innocent as falling in love with someone different than what your parents expected. Or as complex as being abused by someone inside the family. Either way, keep it to yourself.
More to Learn
Here’s a fun fact for you. Because Latinx can mean so many things (Columbian, Chilean, Mexican, Dominican, Spanish, Puerto Rican, etc.), those of us lumped into this category struggle to feel connected. When in reality, it benefits our community to welcome each other with open arms. This is a space where we can tell stories, learn from one another, and share the commonality of our cultures.
We also share what it’s like to be othered. What the world looks like to us when movies show our people as housekeepers or gangsters. When JLo became a leading lady (two steps forward) and was considered curvy (two steps back). If she’s being picked apart at her small size, what does that say for the rest of us? Some of us speak Spanish, some do not. What is life like for the Latina who is bilingual? Does she feel torn by her two worlds? We understand how strange it is to have this darker skin and be raised in racist homes. Sometimes subtly filled with microaggressions, other times the hate speech is much louder.
Do you know what it means to be Latinx in America? Please share your story because I want to listen. Tell your neighbor, your best friend, your colleagues. Don’t do it for the world (unless you want to). Do it for your own well-being because our voices, culture, and experiences are worthy of being shared.