Trauma can show up in ways you never expect. Did you ever think it would be a player in business? In a world where we’re taught to keep professional life and personal life separate, trauma making a cameo in your work day can be especially jarring. As a heart-centered business owner who loves her boss (I’m so funny), it shocked me when I realized how “BIG T and little t” trauma are still impacting me.
In This Story, Trauma Starts in Childhood
My first experience with abuse was at three years old. It kicked off a lifelong unhealthy relationship with men. Then there were the mixed messages I received in a Latinx family, the youngest of three daughters. Despite being in community of mainly women, the few men were treated like kings. People even called my dad “Number One.”
My parents wanted to empower us with messages like “be a leader, not a follower.” Simultaneously hearing “family business stays here.” Then being rewarded for keeping quiet and maintaining a smile. We didn’t know about toxic positivity or the danger of keeping secrets then. Just that we couldn’t embarrass the family.
Abuse Comes in All Forms
Years later I found a career in travel and hospitality as a sales professional. Now I was being paid to smile, to people please, and to keep quiet if it didn’t benefit the business. Men in positions of power would look at me like I was prey. Because of trauma, I just smiled. They would say things so inappropriate that it would make you blush. And it would definitely shock their wives.
Others made racist comments to me, about me with a smile on their face and a joyous tone as if I was in on the joke. After leaving one company, a male executive told me, “I made you. Before us, you were nothing.” Another called me every morning and afternoon the week of Christmas to find out if I made a sale. Not because I alluded to being close to one. Simply to bully me and remind me who was in charge. As you can imagine, I was the only sales person out cold calling on December 23rd.
These men used their words and their power to cut me down to the smallest version of myself. Then they would promote or hire white women who were equally or less qualified, keeping me “in my place”. Since abuse was not new to me, I simply took it. Somehow, I thought it was my fault.
White men weren’t the only perpetrators and certainly not the only gender to misuse power. The latter is worthy of another blog though, don’t you think?
Is the Customer Really Always Right?
In a people pleasing business, things can get blurry. When a top client places his hand on your booty after a few drinks at dinner, you have to decide whether to give up the account or simply suck it up. So I get to choose between being respected or making my bonus?
Or when you’re on a sales trip and a potential client mistakes drinks for a date, even though you’ve been clear about the most wonderful man in the world waiting for you back in Boston. Then he gets angry when you want to leave. He says, “Did you call your boyfriend or something?” He tries to order you another drink to soothe you, making comments about how good your heels make your legs look. Despite trying to order an Uber to your hotel, he won’t let you and demands to drive you. This is an important client… I can’t mess this up. Then he proceeds to drive slowly through side streets leaving you to wonder if you’ll make it back at all.
Where to Look for Help
What if I had someone to talk to that’s only role was to support me? Not a therapist or counselor, though you know I’m all about that support. But someone who cared about my professional life, growth, and mental wellness. A person that didn’t have a stake in the company’s internal dynamics. Who didn’t require that I fill out paperwork and then eventually be told management “didn’t mean it” with no repercussions except my discomfort. Maybe that trauma pattern would have been caught early in my career.
Now imagine a coach who teaches team members how to set boundaries. Someone who understands the nuances of the service industry, cares about the individual, and wants the business to succeed, too. If a company offered this level of support, wouldn’t you want to stay longer?
Deloitte recently shared that “a coaching culture is the practice that’s most highly correlated with business performance, employee engagement, and overall retention,” and companies considered high-impact leadership organizations “spend 1.5–3 times more on management development than their peers.” According to a study by the Center for American Progress, companies with highly engaged employees are 21% more profitable.
Ready to Create Positive Change?
Now I’m a business owner and trauma still follows me. Here I am running a business that I’m proud of, living a professional and personal life aligned with my values, and doing good in the world. Yet these men still live in my subconscious. It’s because of them that I unknowingly have been playing it small. Because if I go bigger, then I need to face the abusers. Not the ones that directly hurt me, but the cis hetero white men in power who I’ve been seeing as threats to my safety. That ends today.
I took a brave leap this week and posted this as an article on LinkedIn (minus the extra deets for all of you). Originally, it was intended to live as a blog post on my website only seen by the Travel Can Heal community. It was truly terrifying and I definitely had a vulnerability hangover. Could I risk being ostracized by potential clients or partners? Perhaps. But are those the kind of people I’d want to work with? You know the answer to that. This silence has to stop if we’re going to create healthy work cultures, mental wellness, and happier lives. Will you be brave, too?
It’s because of my healing journey, time in wellness travel, and the opportunity to connect with healers that I can shine in my brilliance. You can find joy in the company you’re with, find expansion in your role, and feel more like yourself more often. If you feel inspired to take care of yourself, your business, or your team, I’m here to help. Let’s change the world.