Does your family keep secrets from the outside world? The phrase “what happens in the family stays in the family” was popular way before Vegas took the slogan. Maybe it was coded by calling it “family business”. Secrets are a dangerous venom that we need to be careful of.
Everything in my family was a secret. A piece of it was growing up with police officers. There’s a matter of safety that I may never fully understand, but I don’t have to. And the really confusing side was the expectations within the police culture. I have no intention of speaking to that right now. What I’ve recently learned is that secret keeping is common for Latin families. I have to imagine that this isn’t unique to Latinx people. Especially as I see so many adults of different backgrounds terrified to speak their truths. How did we get here?
History of Secrets
As I look back and reflect on my family’s secrets and the ones that I was tasked to keep, most of them were around shame. We worked very hard to look like the picture perfect family. The effort was so deep that I honestly thought we were living the dream. Meanwhile, my grandfather started molesting me at three-years-old… Decades later I’ve been told about some of his other transgressions. In fact, it was more common that people were not surprised to hear my story. Horrified, empathetic, and sometimes in denial, but not surprised. Why didn’t anybody stop him? Well, that would have been embarrassing for the family.
During a holiday visit to Colorado, my grandfather brought me to his office. He said he had something to show me. It was this picture of me set as his desktop background. A picture that my aunt had taken a few months earlier in New York. I didn’t know he had that photo. And why was it on his desktop? That was awkward and uncomfortable. But it got worse. He told this story, slowly, or maybe it just moved in slow motion. I was four years old, fast asleep and wearing “these grey cotton panties”. Then he uttered the words that shattered the facade of my Leave it to Beaver life. He said, “It took everything in me not to take those panties off of you.”
Who Can You Trust?
As you can imagine, I stood there in shock not knowing what to do. My sister, Tina, was in the other room and sent my little cousin to get me. She just had a feeling something wasn’t right. We went for a drive and I told Tina what he said. She was always my protector and this time was no different. Her superhero response was “You will never be alone with him, again. I will make sure of it.” Then I swore her to secrecy for years.
That was really unfair of me and I have since apologized. What I can see clearly now is that this was the family way. This big secret would cause discomfort and shame. We can’t have that. Meanwhile, I was blaming myself. Not for what he said to me but for what I would do to the family if I said anything. I would cause them hurt. I would make them uncomfortable. And I certainly didn’t want to rock the boat. That wasn’t my role in our family. Jackie is the peacemaker. She makes people smile and laugh. She listens, cares, and supports. It’s all about those still waters.
The Shame of Secrets
Even if this abuse had not been part of my story, there were so many other secrets. Too many to count. I spent so much time keeping all of these that I devalued my own needs. It took me moving across the country, to a state where I didn’t know a soul, to start my healing journey. I didn’t realize at the time that part of my move to Boston was the benefit of being away from family so I could face the secret shame.
The only good secrets to keep are surprises (party or engagement), ones that are not yours to tell (coming out, insecurities, conflict), or what could put others in danger. To avoid conflict, my family was great at “sweeping things under the rug.” That’s the phrase I heard often. We smiled and moved on. Keeping the peace was important.
Let’s Just Be Honest
As adults, my sisters and I have an unspoken rule between us of not sweeping anything. We address our feelings and conflicts head on so we can talk through it and move forward. It’s what keeps us so close.
The rules of “no secrets or sweeping” apply in my home today. My husband, David, and I have always had amazing communication. It started because of my panic attacks where I was too scared to talk to him. Early on he asked me to trust him with my heart. To talk to him immediately when I was upset to mitigate that crippling panic. It’s a healthy system that works. I still get anxiety around conversations, but that’s why it’s so important to talk through things.
Ways to Heal
What secrets are you keeping? Is it built around shame? Jameela Jamil (my fave) created her podcast, iWeigh, to normalize topics we have been told are shameful. She speaks to her guests about the secrets of eating disorders, depression, miscarriages, and more. This is an amazing resource for humor, understanding, and education.
My journey has taught me that travel can heal. Tune into my podcast, Through Inspired Eyes, to learn about healing modalities available through travel. To release the pain of those secrets, I would recommend a series of infrared sauna treatments, reiki sessions, and abhyangam massages. I experienced this at The Retreat Costa Rica and cried much more than expected. It honestly took me by surprise. It was a true healing moment.
Travel is here to support you and I’m here to help. Here’s to your healing journey. Stay inspired.